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→.♪]¯-_.Såmз Øl` Đåys Såmз Øl` Wåys.¯-_[ ♪.
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| Oi. |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|03:10 pm] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  Bleh. | ] |
Heads up.
New journal:
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) curious_smile
Have at it.
It's both mine and Zakkusu muse's. Each post will probably contain a small tidbit from the both of us... blah, blah. You can add it if you'd really like to-- I know some of you probably won't but... whatever. |
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| --.x And It Goes OFF. |
[Sep. 27th, 2007|05:41 am] |
| [ | ♦.Pågз¿ |
| | -- Awake And Unafraid? | ] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  Sad? | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | [+ My Chemical Romance : Famous Last Words +] | ] |
Can you see?
My eyes are shining bright.
Cuz I'm out here on the other side.
Of a jet black hotel mirror.
And I'm so weak.
Cuz I see you lyin' next to me.
With words I thought I'd never speak.
Awake. And Unafraid.
Asleep. Or Dead?
Sometimes I think it's really hard to deal with how muses seem to connect with each other. Not just between people but in my very own mind, the way they react this one's problems as compared to another. It's really troublesome.
I've been thinking that Zakkusu has been just fine. Because he's been smiling-- but then I sorta realized that the smiles weren't real anymore. Then I realized that my smiles haven't been so real either...
It's amazing. How they hold you up.
... Chester started another week of the cancer treatment yesterday. Between that. The storms, and the fact that I injured my hand just tossing around a ball in gym... it was just hard I guess. Yesterday was hard on me, and I didn't even realize it because most of the day I was laughing and goofing off and watching CSI in mum's room.
Recap.
I spent hours in mum's room. This is one of my depression signs, really. When I'm willing to be in there ALL day. Yeah. Before that I slept. A lot. That's another way that we deal with it, I guess.
Lot's of sleep and television.
Anyway. Everything seemed alright. I wasn't in tears or anything-- that's usually a good thing -- and I just let things go on as they were. I had a small urge to get online and see Dani and Juice before going to bed... but a part of me (Zakkusu) is always afraid of what we'll find in status messages when we get back from being gone all day. Of course we checked anyway. We checked and set up a simple status and hopped right onto the bed.
I know the rain isn't helping anything in the matter. It's been gloomy and stormy, and I haven't really been up to much of anything.
Zakkusu is.. starting to feel oddly alone. I think he's doing it to himself, honestly. Because things have been piling up and gotten really complicated and... bonkers.
I can't deny that Zakkusu will never lose his feelings for Sefirosu. They're stuck there. Wedged inside like a blade that shouldn't be removed because there isn't any blood, and removing it would cause tearing and bleeding and most likely death. It's there. And if people can't accept that Zakkusu has the amazing ability to honestly fall in love with more than one person... then that's just sad.
So. Waking up this morning and seeing the status with Sefirosu back in it was good. Seeing that the General was sleeping with many things on his mind-- one, maybe two SOLDIERs, however, was not.
Because instantly. There was this droop in his chest-- and then the assumptions kicked in. A million scenarios. So many possibilities on who it could be or what it was he could have missed. Dani's Zack is back. That could be it. Or a Cloud. Or something he doesn't even know about. It was interesting to watch him sort of beak down-- only to have Kuraudou walk over and kick him in the shin and tell him that he ought to know better and that Sefirosu KNOWS BETTER than to replace him with another Zack because he KNOWS that it would CRUSH HIM.
Zakku: 0 Kura: 1
Kuraudou failed to give advice on the Angeal issue. Did sort of a... raising of the hands in defense and waltzing off kind of thing. The fact that he hasn't really been around, that we've had to poke and prod and pry to get him up and about has been... heart deflating. Every single time that Zakkusu is left alone in that apartment he thinks about the argument with Sefirosu. "He'd never do that." or "He wouldn't do a thing that would hurt me, ever." Everything. And how Sefirosu had said this or that, things that he had laughed at during the fight. Things that now hover over him like the plauge.
Still smiling while broken inside. Still smiling while wondering how long it's going to take before something horrible happens and he ends up dead without a cause or empty. Still fucking smiling... and all he wants to do is run somewhere and get all of his worry out somehow. But he knows that running won't solve anything. He's done enough running as it is.
Fluffy Cloudy. I wish that things weren't so damn hectic with Zakkusu right now. You know... that when he starts turning down the presence of something adorable and blonde that there is something off about him. He just... doesn't want him involved. Praying to the GODS that he isn't right now. Worried about him. Trying to get him a pair of boots that fit while also trying to avoid him in case he tries to force happy upon him.
... The past few days I have woken up with Lou online. Another something that stab at the guilt that is starting to replace Zakkusu's blood. I really don't know what there is that I can say about it-- Lou and I haven't actually hung out in a year, and the boy is still having relationship problems. I hope that you've found something that'll make you happy for a while, Lou. Good luck. The muses and I are cheering for you-- and Zakkusu suggests offering MONEY and then locking him in your OFFICE. ¬¬ -Ahems.-
Anyway. So...yeah. Right now Zakkusu is kind of all over. Stressing out, but forcing a smile and trying to look on the brighter side of things. Today my Distance Learning teacher is comming out to our school with donuts to teach! owo! That's gonna be fun, ne?
Small things like that.
I don't know.
I want to type: So. I'll go for now, get ready and bounce off to school and I'll see you all when I get home!
But I don't know if I WILL see most of you. I'll see Dani and Juice and Scott and Lou and Fluffy...
But...
Zakkusu's hopes of seeing people.
They're pretty small. And it's having an odd kind of affect on him.
I dunno. We'll see.
Maybe something good will happen today and raise his spirits. I hope so.
I hope that things start looking up soon.
I am not afraid to keep on living.
I am not afraid to walk this world alone.
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven.
Nothing you can say can stop me going home.
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|
|
| --.x See The World |
[Sep. 25th, 2007|06:56 pm] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  Rawr. | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | - - - Into The Night | ] |
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DAY ONE:
1st: JCC English
2nd: Computer Animation
3rd: Geometery
4rth: Web Design/HTML Coding
5a: Web Design/HTML Coding [cont.]
5b: Lunch
5c: Study Hall
6a: Global 2
6b: Global 2 [cont]
7th: Bio
8th: Bio
DAY TWO:
1st: JCC English
2nd: Gym
3rd: Geometery
4rth: Web Design/HTML Coding
5a: Web Design/HTML Coding [cont.]
5b: Lunch
5c: Study Hall
6a: Global 2
6b: Global 2 [cont]
7th: Study Hall
8th: Bio
Yup. That's how things work for me every day. -Nod.- o_o
I wanna talk about all the classes and what I do in them and stuff...but my head hurts so much right now.
Today for Bio we had a double period-- so we had a good two hours and we went to the creek to catch... THINGS! O_O
Zakkusu muse... was so damn HAPPY. We got to go OUTSIDE away from the paperwork and actually DO HANDS ON STUFF! Fwoooo~! 8D
Anyway. I was wearing my huge boots. The ones that are too big and heavy. They filled with water and made movement complicated. I went down twice! Screwed up my knee and stuff. It was fucking amazing.
But it was at the end of the day~ so it worked. Had it been in the middle, I'd have been pissy, as I smelt of fish and was soaked up past my knees. And I was so damn TIRED. I came home, showered, and passed out for three hours.
Now I have a headache from HELL. And. Graaaaaaaaaah~. Yes. o_o
Zakkusu muse is finally better, I think. He had a really, REALLY bad few days... and it was almost to the point where he asked my Kuraudou muse to take over for a while. Scary. Very scary. xx; But he's better. I wish I was.
Juice finally got something Resident Evil. I've waited for this for YEARS-- as I am a nut about Resident Evil and everything attached to it, and for the longest time Juice didn't care.
So naturally.
When he finally got into it and started to actually seem excited about it...I really really hoping that we could RP and such.
... I don't see how those hints were missed. I really don't.
A'well.
So much for that. |
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| ---.x I Feel So Good. |
[Sep. 22nd, 2007|06:56 am] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  CHEERY | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | [ I'M NO SUPERMAN. =} | ] |
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I don't know why I wanted to like... type a post at 7 in the morning when I would USUALLY be walking out the door to go to school BUT THE CASE IS I haven't gone to bed yet and have been watching Scrubs since 5-- BUT. It just. I dunno.
I feel.
I feel really good right now.
Zakkusu muse feeling fucking FANTABULOUS.
And with our moods combined.
... we make something better than captain planet.
MUFFIN SOLDIER.
Or something GAYER THAN THAT.
I don't know.
Today just.
It just WORKED.
There wasn't any fighting.
Other than Silky boohooing over Lou's Genesis sn-- but I think Lou makes a better Genesis ANYWAY and Silky can just go... do something I am too nice to actually say.
Anyway.
I dunno.
I left everyone on REALLY good notes... I haven't done that it a while... I really haven't. And it just feels REALLY GOOD.
Way good.
So.
Yeah.
I'm supposed to be sleeping. I might grab a glass of orange juice, watch another episode of Scrubs and then do that.
... I feel like I did something RIGHT. You know?
Have you ever felt that way? Like. You keep fucking everything up and nothing looks like it's going to help and then you have a day where you are so happy and can't stop smiling and just...laugh and have a good time?
I mean it!
I really feel like... I've done something right and that things are finally going to be okay.
It feels good.
</7 AM RANT>
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|
| --.x .pu em kconK |
[Sep. 19th, 2007|08:59 pm] |
| [ | ♦.Pågз¿ |
| | This song bounces. Oh yes. | ] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  Stressed. | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | -- Fall Out Boy - All Of The Gin Joints In The World (RMX) | ] |
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Hold Nice And Still.
Only The First Bullet Hurts.
Techno is blaring away in my ears, and for some reason that's enough to make the world seem like a better place. Thank you, Scott. You bless my with your music greatness.
Anyway. So I'm back on the ball enough to actually function and take more than one thing at a time. Wonderful.
My homework and assignments are going to kill me. Period. I'm going to drop dead soon from all of this. Here's a small peek at what all I have to do.
English:
Read over 100 pages by tomorrow. Quiz tomorrow.
Study 10 huge words for the spelling test tomorrow.
Two front and back sheets of vocabulary I have to look up.
Prepare for a 3-5 minute speech on Friday on a person I know nothing about.
Research paper.
Make up a quiz and learn MLA format all over again.
Math:
A bagillion assignments out of the book.
Global:
Read two whole chapters out of the book.
Vocab.
DBQ.
Bio: Labs.
Worksheet.
Get that thing signed.
Distance Learning: Web page Design:
... a ton. Of shit. I'm not even going to get into it.
Let's move away from school and look at what else there is to do:
Scott's letter/gifts.
Dani's letter(s)/gifts.
Juice's letter/birthday gift.
I don't have money. And Juice's birthday is at the end of this week. This week sucks, thank you.
Everything is DUE FRIDAY. Everything. Some before that. And it's... raugh.
It's stressing enough as it is. A friend's sister is getting married soon... I have enough schoolwork to bury myself in and... augh.
I'm really sick of people fighting when I'm not looking. REALLY.
People fight. The bomb drops. And I get hit with the wave and wonder what the FUCK I missed.
Anyway. When things get better...
I want to start writing and drawing a LOT more.
But that may not happen any time soon.
I'm stressed out between this and that and pleasing friends.
Zakkusu muse is trying to get me better. So that we can go on a literal vacation up at my sister's. Just. Get away. Naturally the best time to do that would be this weekend.
Right now I don't know. I just don't.
My mood is raising. But I haven't been in an IM window with anybody but Scott for about a half an hour. I can't help but feel like something just went down. Dani disappeared and Juice's status is made of grump.
As usual when I turn my back.
As for you guys, sorry I've been so busy.
I'm trying to get caught up.
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|
| ---.x Somethin's Missing? |
[Sep. 17th, 2007|04:44 am] |
| [ | ♦.Pågз¿ |
| | Tra. La. La. | ] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  . SICK . | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | John Mayer - Something's Missing | ] |
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
I swear. To the very GODS OF JELLY.
That if I sneeze ONE MORE TIME. I'm going to PUNCH A GOAT OR SOMETHING. D8<
I am so fucking SICK of sneezing and coughing and eyes water and stomach death and exhaustion.
FUCK being sick. FUCK IT ALL. Raugh.
-Grumbles.-
Anyway. About today-- since it was good and I need to write about good things. <3
Uuuh. I'm getting WORSE as fall as the sickness goes-- but I did have some fun today. owo!
I finally caved into Zakkusu muse's urge to blab on the phone. Dani called-- and jumped into a conversation as if we talked every day of our life. I was like... "Uuuh. Yeah. So. The phone's dying..."
BUT Zakkusu was like....
"OMG. GUESS WHAT? THIS SHOCORATES TASTES LIKE CHERRIES. ZOMG. RUN AND FIND NOTHER PHONE."
... I want to start talking to people a LOT! And.. I have good news about this!
NO.
I'm still not getting my own cell phone-- but mum is gonna put up my own line up here. FWOO! So you guys can call whenever you want... when I say you can. xD!
That'll be fun. I really wanna talk to Scoot and Juice and Dani and just... ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE.
Well. I hate the phone.
But Zack wants to yak. Ba ha. Fail.
Anyway. So... Dani got me things-- and Juice has gotten me something and I'm just like...
"AAHHH. I'M BROKE AND I FAIL AND I NEED MONEY AND TO BUY THEM THINGS SOMEHOW."
... I think. I want to MAKE THEM THINGS, TOO. But that's more Zakkusu:
"LOOK Angeru! A pink and green SCARF! :B"
"LOOK Sefirosu! A yellow hat that's longer than your HAIR! :B"
"LOOK Kuraudou! A bag for you to carry your tears in! 8D!"
-Shot.-
"LOOK, Cido! A bag to fill with bricks and HIT PEOPLE WITH. >D"
... Pretty much.
I should sleep.
I might dive into my closet and pull out my old killer whale plushie, though.
I wantsta hug something... yeah.
OH YEAH. AND.
I started arting again. THANK. GODS.
That means I am emotionally better. :'3
And uhhhh.
I wanna make icons.
And dance.
And. Uh.
Feel better first. ;;
Hearts for you guys. <3
I need to buy stuff. =3=
And it's windy and cold.
Tomorrow should be better, I hope.
I hope that I'm not overloaded with schoolwork. I'll cry if I am.
-Doom.- |
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| --.x Why? |
[Sep. 16th, 2007|06:43 am] |
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Seven in the morning. I haven't bothered with sleep yet, although my status has said that's where I am for about 5 hours. I can't breathe out of the left side of my nose, and whenever a pause a moment to think about what's troubling my mind or yawn, my eyes water and I end up with a really wet face.
Shame me.
I watched the ending cut scene to Crisis Core. Kinda had to. I wanted to see it in it's original japanese rather than wait a year and be disappointed. I won't say a spoiler to you. All I will say is that it was beautiful and it put me to tears. Twice.
It's no spoiler that Zakkusu dies. I dunno. Something about tonight-- the past few MONTHS has started to weigh down my chest, I think.
I was watching Srubs with Scott... something that I can't thank him enough for. I don't know why he puts up with me. I run to him after almost every argument and he's still willing to put up with my shit. Odd, really. Anyway. So we were watching Scrubs because all this fighting with Juice and Dani have brought to points of my hair graying-- so I figured a small moment of just make it STOP was a good idea.
We watched a few episodes-- Scrubs is amazing, makes me laugh like a bloody RETARD and that's what I need during times like this...just to laugh... but...
In one episode... a really awesome lady was like... dying and she told JD: "I'm ready." And... I started to cry. Honest to Gods. I am crying right now thinking about it again. It's just... augh.
Death is something I think that everybody finds themselves up at dumb hours thinking about. For a long time... I've always worried about everyone AROUND ME. My mother. My grandfather and great uncle who are both currently dying-- my grandmother who will give up on life after they pass. I worry about something happening to Scott or Juice or Dani... an accident or something and they never sign on again like Hughes who died in that hurricane...
...I've never stopped and thought...
About what's gonna happen when I'M gone.
I don't see myself dying in my sleep. I don't see myself dying suddenly and painlessly. I don't know why... but for some reason I see myself dying slowly... long enough to regret everything.
I also see myself dying alone somewhere. On the street or something after being smashed by a car. Gangraped in an alley with a broken bottle through my neck... I don't know...
I just broke into such a crying fit that I forgot where I was going with most of this...
When I was in 6th grade... Brian Sucow was diagnosed with cancer. A boy my age. Cancer. That was it. He died some time after... and I found an old journal that I used to write to...and I wrote about how it wasn't fair and how I didn't understand why...
At the end I wrote a little prayer. But it wasn't to God. It was to a muse. . .
I don't remember the exact day when I decided that God was bogus. The whole idea. I went through a long time rolling my eyes at the mentioning of it...Christianity. Ha. Right?
And yet... when Grammit had a heart attack.
When Papa was in the hospital a few months ago...
....I've prayed to God.
Folded my hands.
Closed my eyes and said: "...Hey God? It's me again. I'm sorry about the things I say... but someone who really loves you needs your help...and I don't have anyone else to turn to..."
Hypocrate.
I smile when people call me that now. I don't know why...
Two Pastors came to the hospital for Papa. And... I couldn't really look them in the eye or reach out when we prayed. It was like... "I don't even have a RIGHT."
I want to believe in something.
I want to believe that when I do die... that... something is going to happen. I want to believe that... that there is something kinda like the Lifestream. Laugh at it. Go head. Smile and roll your eyes...
But I really do.
I want that moment... where I reach out my hand and someone that I have loved and missed reaches out and pulls me away from the pain and the suffering. I want that for EVERYBODY. EVERYTHING. Even little... bugs and stuff.
I want a piece of me to remain. I want some part of me to BE HERE so I can watch over my loved ones... the people who miss me. Have some bit of something for people to think of me when they see it or hear it...
Seven AM. And here I sit worried about if I'm gonna be able to stalk the lot of you in the afterlife.
... heh.
Pretty damn stupid, huh?
... I don't know.
A part of me just wants to smile. Smile and honestly ask someone. Something... to just make it stop. I can't help but be the person I am... I'm the type who stops and goes: 'Why are we fighting over who spends time with who? There are so many other things...'
Here I am worrying about making all of these people happy...
Scott.
Juice.
Dani.
Fluffy.
Toast.
Jazzu.
Mokona.
Rubix Cyoob.
Moving into real life.
Alex.
Mum.
Dave.
My lil brothers.
Aunt Connie.
My sister Allie and her baby Donovan.
My cousins.
My Grandmother.
Grandfather.
Great Uncle.
Dave's Mother.
... These are all people that I want to be proud of me in some way. To just... smile when they think about me. I don't want any disappointment and fighting.
... Dammit.
There isn't enough time for that. There really isn't.
The problem with life is that it ends.
Too early for everybody.
Uncle Chester is dying from lung cancer right now. I've always looked up to him. Every part of him. He's been a father to me just like his brother-- he taught me a LOT of important things that got me along so far...
... but I want to learn MORE from him. I'm at an age where small talks matter. Where I WANT to sit down with him and just bullshit with him, hear the stories about how he would rob trains or kill bulls with sleds on accident. I look up to him... admire him. He's the man I want to give me away when I get married...
... but he won't live to see it.
My little brothers will NEVER know who he really was... I don't even have the time to learn...
My point is.
It's gotta stop.
You think that you've had a bad day, and these people SUCK face and that's that? Fuck them. They hurt me.
Think about them. About what you've said to them within the past 24 hours, alright?
Now.
Two hours from now you get the information that they're dead.
How would you feel about the last thing you said to them?
Yeah. It seems sappy. But shut the fuck up and THINK about it. This is why I can't leave people on bad terms. Why I BUG YOU until I know that things are okay again.
Because you never know when it's going to suddenly stop.
You never know when that's it. You've lost your chance.
... yeah.
I'm tired as Hell right now. Teared up and... overall shitty.
I really hope that some of you read this. I really, REALLY do. Because it's important to me.
I'm so tired.
I'm going to go to sleep for a few hours. Just lay down and try not to think about this too much more.
I want people to be happy. That's my wish.
For all of us to be able to meet someday. And just be happy about it.
I want to send letters and gifts that will make you smile and think of me.
I want you to keep them in boxes years from now... and when one of your kids points them out and goes: "What's this?"
I want you to smile, and say: "Well. A long time ago. I used to know this silly idiot..."
... man.
I have some pretty farfetched dreams, huh?
Heh.
Yeah. Somethin' like that.
My words. Take some to heart, will you?
And some kind of comment... even: "You should have put all this shit under a CUT." Or something.
Meh. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|03:06 am] |
And of course.
By three in the morning.
My last posts means nothing. And I sit here crying and hoping that I don't wake up and have them both gone when I wake.
I feel horrid.
I feel like a horrid person.
I just want to curl up and die on the inside. Just. Die off.
Thank you...
All of you who were here for me tonight. I really needed it.
I'm sorry. |
|
|
| --. None Of Us Are Free. |
[Sep. 15th, 2007|12:16 am] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | --- NONE OF US ARE FREE. | ] |
I don't know how to respond to tonight. I honestly do not.
More like... I'm not responding to tonight.
You can't tell someone that you love them in one breath, and then tell them that you're hitting it off with their best friend the next. It does not work that way. I'm sorry.
I woke up this morning and thought that I had done it. Months of trying to get you to honestly fall in love with who I was...
As usual. You get me every time.
Something's always gotta get in the way. I always hate the element. Curse it for getting there.
I'm not going to hate and curse Shachou.
No fucking way will I.
I love Shachou to death and back. And I'm not gonna lose 'im again because of you and him being together.
Be together.
Be together and be happy.
I'm serious.
It's been proven.
I can't make you happy. I'll never be able to make you happy as long as I live. I've always had this special place for you. Always always. And I'm done being selfish about it. I want to see you happy. I don't want you shunning relationships anymore.
I want you to understand so much...
It'll just be awkward, I guess.
For a while, anyway.
I'm done hurting the people around me. I'm done with people being in the middle.
I'm going to let you do what you want.
I'm not going to say anything about it unless you bring it up.
I'm not going to be in your way anymore.
Things are going to get better.
I know they are.
Because. I'm not crying for once.
Something lame assed like that. <3 |
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| ---.x Not What It Seems. |
[Sep. 12th, 2007|07:58 pm] |
| [ | ♦.Pågз¿ |
| | Fuck this was a lot. | ] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  EXHAUSTEDED. | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | [+ The Cranberries : Electric Blue Eyes +] | ] |
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
 CLOSED DOOR
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxo
This is the part where I do a 180. Where I turn my ass around from leaving things the way I wanted to and ranting, THEN leaving. Doing this, however gives you a chance to stop me-- which I will naturally see as a waste of time as it is.
I'm sick.
I'm so sick and tired.
Not just physically, but mentally.
This whole deal with Juice and Shachou is driving me fucking CRAZY. I really don't think that I can do this much longer before I scream FUCK IT and just grab Kim and run away from them BOTH.
Juice is someone who I have been attached to for a long time. To the hip (or for better wording: to the collar) and it's been insane and crazy and we FIGHT all the time because I'm emotional over this and that. I always run back to Juice. I always cry and beg to be forgiven until it fixes. ALWAYS. So many times Juice has told me 'We should just split. I'll go my way and you go yours.' And every time he does I want to FLIP OUT and scream.
I don't detach from people.
If you think that for a SECOND that I am that kind of person, fuck you. Straight to Hell and back. I cherish the relationships that I make. I cherish them and hold on to them as if they were vital organs.
For some time Juice and I have made sns that have matched, been together and whatnot. It's just what we've done. They belong to each other and there is no questioning it. I was fine with that. That was how things worked, and one of the main pairings was Sefirosu and Zakkusu.
My Zakkusu never really minded the way that Sefirosu acted. Distant. Never cuddly, blah blah. It was fine either way. But you know how on television...like on shows or commercials how they show two people out somewhere at like a bar or something or a resturaunt-- and there are obviously together-- and them someone walks by and one of them practically SNAPS THEIR NECK whirling around to LOOK and STARE at them?
...Enter Angeal.
I don't KNOW why it ended up happening. I wish that I could go back and tell you the EXACT second in time when Zakkusu's mindset changed. All I knew is that Zakkusu was smiling that smile at someone else's muse and that it could NOT be good. At all.
And I was right.
Like the last time I hung around with Shachou, a jealous fit broke out-- only it was my turn to play piggy in the middle. There was a LOT of fighting. Lots of hate and going back and forth. Some things said. An attempt to royally piss Zakkusu off-- (which would have ended in your death, I assure you) and not to mention the natural NEED to get away.
Supposidly. Things are better. Supposidly.
Sefirosu dissowned Zakkusu, something I didn't see as surprizing, however the manner that he went about doing it, telling Zakkusu that he isn't capable of love, only to turn around and say the opposite...
It was a tug of war.
Honest to God. That's what it was.
A tug of fucking war with my muse in the middle.
Zakkusu could no longer handle it, broke down.
Angeru hasn't BEEN THERE to help him feel better-- something that has worried me already. With what was causing awkward silences earlier gone I imagined the two getting along more... but again. Proven wrong.
My worry for the two of them keeps on continuing. Today is supposed to be the last day of Angeals supposid mission, and if he's not back soon Zakkusu is gonna flip the Hell out and move in with Cid. ( . . . Sorry Kim. XD )
There was a point today. Where Angeal showed NO signs of showing up and Zakkusu drooped and wanted to cry---
BUT GOT A GUITAR TO THE FACE.
Hello, Lance muse. How was your vacation?
He kindly told Zakkusu to 'Stop his bloody whining.' Get back into his fucking box and FEEL BETTER. That was that. Emotional muse locked up for a few hours, and I start t feel better.
So Lance is back. Fwee.
But. Who the Hell IS Lance, anyway? I have a wanting to tell you.
CONCERNING LANCE AARGON.
Mmm. Delicious.
ANYWAY. Lance is an OC that actually has a pretty wide background.
Lance was first created back when I knew Jas and Remi. They had started up this band thing calls Broken Wings and wanted me to be apart of it, so I made Lance-- a guitarist with a british accent who lived about on the streets. Back then, Lance had a contact that turned one of his eyes green, just for the Hell of it. Kazuo was Jas` character, one that hung all over him in the ukest of ways and let Lance crash on the couch upon finding out that the man didn't have a home.
Well. Obviously that broke off. I remember me getting pissy at Remi for being a fucking pothead. Blah. Blah. Jas forgot about me, how kindly of her.
Lance lay forgotten until this year, when Takeo thought up an idea for people all working at a bar that have SOME kind of Phobia. So I got to thinkin' 'Who the HELL can I make that would be fucked up enough to... OMG. LANCE."
And so. He was reborn. Still containing the background of a street dwelling-- and still carrying around his guitar Julia as a WEAPON. For the sake of his phobia- the green contact eye was changed into a false eye, due to his having the eye pecked out by a chicken on his uncle's farm. The fear of chickens and birds. Fucking awesome.
Again, things blew up. Takeo was the SAME as Kazuo, I swear. It was awful hard for him not to bring that up at all. I've pretty much lost all of the friends that I made while in that group, including Fai. Saddening, and back in the box for a few months Lance went.
And now he's BACK. As a Turk. Everybody start SCREAMING.
Eye pecked out with a chocobo. There's a story worthy of getting a lad laid. -Sarcasm.-
He's STILL got Julia. I doubt he'll ever give her up even as he continues to move on. I don't know if that's his weapon. But if he were to use any kind of gun it would probably be a shotgun. Because... of the missing one eye thing and HITTING the target is GOOD. I dunno. He really loves RUN. JUMP. BASH IN THE FACE.
The one thing that I have always loved about Lance-- and why he decided to come about was because he doesn't LOVE people. Seriously. This man has been in RP after RP. RECYCLED. And it has not once disappointed him.
I don't know what it is. He just hasn't fallen for anybody yet. He'll take a LIKING to people, yes. But. He still has yet to fall head over heels for someone. I don't know why he's so stubborn about it-- and a part of him wants to make a CHALLENGE out of it like:
"Make me fall in luv with you within the month and I'll buy you a soda~."
...because he's a retard and does NOT take love seriously. Which is why I am waiting for someone to come along and blow his mind.
Of course. I started RPing with Shachou to get the feel of him again, and his Rufus learned that if you lock Lance in your office and leave for over three hours you won't be able to find a DAMN THING when you get back.
He's never had a partner figure-- and I thought it'd be fun to watch Juice HAVE to put up with him.
But.
We didn't bury the hatchet, did we? No. We left that handle sticking out so someone could grab it and give it a little swing, didn't we? Yes. Yes we did.
I asked Shachou if the idea was okay, and he said: "I'm going to get OVER this. Give it a shot. <3."
And I asked Juice if the idea was okay and I got: "Nope. It'll just start shit again. I think not."
So it appears that this will NEVER stop. It's not going to just end at Zakkusu Sefirosu and Angeru. It'll continue with EVERYTHING-- and that fact is enough to make me want to STOP RPing.
Still. I'm willing to give it another shout by offering up a few more OCs/Turks.
ROSS: Is bloody shy and will probably get eaten alive. He's the type that when he bumps into you... he does the: "Oh! Sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean-- sorry." VERY self conscious and whatnot. Still, he's a fighter. He doesn't like guns much, and would much rather get in there with a broken bottle-- but wouldn't say that aloud. Not likely.
ROD: I'd have to get the hang of him again. But, yeah. His main problem is PROTECTIVE LOYALTY. If that makes any sense. Blah, blah.
I don't know where I am going with this.
I just want you two to GET ALONG.
You two may as well be tearing off my fingers and ears every time you START a FIGHT.
...and all that will leave me with is the ability to stubpunch people and not be able to hear them yelp.
Not fun for me.
Seriously.
I've just about had it.
Also.
If neither of you comment on this after I just spent all that time writing it...
....
I'll be VERY MAD. Lets just say that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 10th, 2007|10:53 pm] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| | Crushed. | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | Crisis Core Theme (Guitar) | ] |
So... I just spent about an hour crying on Alex.
So... Zakkusu just spent an hour crying on Alex.
I was a good cry, I think. Lots of sobbing, fist clenching and moments of screaming.
He hurts. So much that I feel like I just want to die. I want to close up...just... close right up and become nothing for a while.
Sefirosu wanted to break Zakkusu. See him shattered and then be the only one to pick up the pieces.
Well. Zakkusu is more than broken right now. He's giving up.
The past few days and comments have made him feel like such a slut. A fucking slut, one that even the worst Reno could laugh at...and I can't take it...
I can't have my main muse be crushed every day over something. I just can't.
You didn't break him...
....you killed him.
There's a difference.
My eyes burn. My chest hurts so fucking much.
I just want to go away for a while.
Reset.
Get myself together somehow.
I can't do this anymore.
If Zakkusu hears one more hateful word out of Sefirosu's mouth...I swear...
It's like putting a wire through his cheek with EVERY WORD. Every time Zakkusu smiles and Sefirosu calls him or Angeal filthy...
It's between them, but now it's starting to get in bewteen us.
Roll your eyes at this post. Go a fucking head. Do it. Roll them, you sick hurtful bastard.
I'm not doing this anymore.
I need time away before I honestly destroy myself because of all the stress.
So.
Yeah.
Syonara. |
|
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| --. And I CANT REMEMBER~! |
[Sep. 9th, 2007|07:59 pm] |
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|09:02 pm] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | John Mayer - Gravity | ] |
I really wish that I would stop crying. It makes it hard to see the screen.
I wish that my chest didn't hurt so much.
I wish that I was another person.
Someone who didn't fuck things up all the time.
Someone who can handle having more than just ONE friend.
Someone unimportant. Someone who is easily forgettable.
I wish... that words didn't effect me so much. I wish that muses didn't effect me and caused me to start sobbing in front of a monitor.
I am someone who can't give people up. I can't get mad at people for more than an hour-- and I can't deal with friendships ending.
Ruined.
I feel ruined and shattered and broken and I feel like giving up and not bothering with the pieces.
I want to cry on someone. Honest to God just hold someone and sob until I pass out.
I want to ruin my knuckles...but I need to write.
I want to break something.
I want so many damn things.
Fucking hypocrate.
That is ALL that I am. About EVERY LITTLE DAMN THING.
And I WISH.
I wish that I could just turn my back and leave you ALL.
But I am too weak and selfish to do so.
Worthless.
I'll die. And in the end there will be NOTHING. No marks to show that I was here. I will amount to nothing. At all.
And the world will move on. |
|
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| ---.x "Are You THERE?" |
[Sep. 8th, 2007|04:47 pm] |
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________ M O R N I N G A F T E R .
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Mmm'yeah.
So it's really rainy today. That's a drag. Tomorrow I'm going to go see Papa... in the nursing home. They're gonna give up his therapy...and that means that he's never going to walk again. And when he finds out, I know that he's going to lose the will to live. It won't be much longer.
Anyway.
On a happier note.
I'm going to start bugging people for adresses soon. Because I want to send letters and small trinkets. <3
Hearts for you.
I should be on again all night tonight depending on the weather. |
|
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| ---.x LL F YR LV.._= |
[Sep. 7th, 2007|03:02 pm] |
| [ | ♦.Pågз¿ |
| | [+ O F F I C E +] | ] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| |  ..Broken. | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | [+ Hellogoodbye - All Of Your Love +] | ] |
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
+++
You wanted.
To shut it all off and make a run for the door.
It's so hard to make it.
Forever inch we get we need a mile more.
+++
"Your loyalty is waning, what use is a dog that doesn't see the need to come to his master? You're a waste of time, accept it."
"Is it better to have a dog that stays because he's chained up or because he actually loves his master?"
"If the dog stays it serves it's purpose, chained or otherwise. I have no interest in love, it's been proved to me to be a waste-- a disppointment."
"If it was a disappointing waste, you wouldn't be holding on so tightly".
"Unfortunately, I'm still human, but don't worry much about that. You're doing well about killing that despicable part of me."
----+
There was no emotion shown towards the stack of paper on his desk, and not one ounce of concentration as he leaned back in his chair so that he could rest an aged boot on the edge of it. Arms rested behind his head, seeming to almost disappear in the wild dark strands, and eyes stared at the ceiling above, almost as if it's tiles contained the answers.
But of course they didn't. No one did.
At this point there appeared to be nothing that could make sense, nothing that could make everything turn out perfect-- and that bothered him. It bothered him to his very bones, and because of this his face wore a very grave expression. To him, there was always supposed to be some kind of answer to make things right again. Nothing really rewinds. Going back and fixing the issue was impossible, especially when the issue was one such as this.
Atop a small amount of the papers lay his cellphone, unmoving and completely quiet.
The radio was totally being ignored, turned down low enough just for there to be voices.
He needed the voices. He needed to feel like he wasn't totally alone, even if the voices inside the speakers were not meant for him.
That phone had so many numbers in it. Sefirosu's. Kuraudou's. Angeru's. Erisu's. He wanted to call Erisu, wanted so badly for that phone to ring and have her voice on the other line so he could break down on her, tell her how he's hit a snag and have her tell him EXACTLY what went wrong and what to do.
That's how it usually went with all the simple matters.
Calling Sefirosu was highly unlikely with the current situation, surely the man was far too busy doing this or that-- and would purposely shut off his phone just so Zakkusu couldn't talk to him. They way they had earlier left things was not a way that he wished he had, but time was something that was always limited, something he hated about his position more than anything else. And even if he did call him, all Sefirosu would need to do is hang up the phone to end the conversation...some conversations need to be face to face anyway.
Calling Angeru was certainly a no no. Always busy and always grumpy. This was Zakkusu's doing, and he wouldn't want a part of it-- and Zakkusu didn't want to drag him into it anyway.
Kuraudou was another that did not need dragged into it. Nobody that he was friends with did, but he knew better. Somehow it would effect all of them, and amongst themselves they would discuss how badly they wanted it to end so things would work out again.
Impossible.
There was no advice. No smiles.
There was no name calling or demands to swing by his office for a 'talk' about this or that.
There was no: 'Shouldn't you be doing something other than bothering me?' on the other end of the line.
There was no concerned glances and constant questioning.
There was nothing.
His choices had left him alone. That was his choice.
Bringing misfortune on others or be alone.
Of course the earlier argument constantly played through his mind, often in a different way, ways that it should have been with things worded better.
Dog.
What a thing to compare himself to, really. Sure, he did act very puppy like at times-- but puppies and dogs are different. Puppies are spoiled and loved and raised for a purpose.
Dogs are only meant to carry out that purpose, and then be discarded for something younger or better trained.
Master and Dog. It was a very accurate way to explain their relationship was. Sefirosu said and Zakkusu did. That was it. Plain and simple. Orderly just the way Sefirosu liked it.
...Zakkusu was more the type that could function without labels and alphabetical order.
This was one of the things that set them apart, but still kept them in their own characters.
The Dog makes the messes, and the Master scolds him and kicks him outside for it.
Too many things wrong with a leash. Too many things wrong with being confined to one section of the yard-- of the world.
Dogs that are used to prowling where they wish snap a leash and what do they do? They casually stroll away and LOOK at you. Wait for you to take chase.
Dogs that are always on a leash and never get to wander past a certain point. What do you think they do when the clasp on their collar finally gives into the tugging and snaps?
They run.
They run and they don't look back and give the Master a chance to catch them. They dissapear, find a place to play... and usually end up splattered in the road.
And if they don't. Night falls. It gets cold, and they get hungry.
And the only place they know of where to be warm, safe, and fed is home, so home they return. Tail between the legs and apologies in the eyes, they will find their way back to where they belong. Scolded. But where they belong.
Usually.
Sometimes a stray is picked up by Another. And Another is also willing to offer the food, and the shelter and a warm place at the end of the bed to rest. Always awkward, but always better than the demons and bigger Dogs outside. Also better than the scolding. Just one more day without the scolding. . .
Usually when a dog goes missing, the master does best to find them again. Phone calls. Checking favorite places. Posting signs and pictures. Calling out for rewards. Anything to find that happy greeting upon returning home. The house is always so empty when a pet is no longer in it...
However.
Some dogs are forgotten. Left to die or be found or whatever becomes them. Some dogs, as Zakkusu knew and felt... were not worth looking for. And this. Is how he felt as he grabbed his phone and kicked away from the desk.
"What's the point of a master who so willingly gives his dog away?"
-----
If I were to explain.
How fucking worthless and shitty I feel right now, the words would not bless me.
There was some sort of chemical spill on the roof today where the men are trying to fix it, and I had to sit in the fumes for two hours along with the gas from the burners in the lab. I'm dizzy, and nauseated and I'm sure that if I eat anything that it'll end me. Mom thinks that I sprained the muscles in both of my shins... so walking has become painful.
Zakkusu muse is...
Giving up. Giving it one more shot, and then is just going to give up. He's tired...
The kind of tired you talk about while you're dying.
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| ---.x ZAck n` REno FActs. |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|05:14 pm] |
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
So. With Shachou's little WHEE~! RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ANGEAL post, I had an itty bitty urge to type out a few things about Zakkusu and Reno. It sounds fun-- I know that I owe you something about my day and such, but yeah. I'll probably do that tomorrow-- yeah! FRIDAY! But for now, here's some fun things about my Zakkusu and Reno muses. The first half being the muse as you know them-- and then a few fun Augusta facts. For those who don't know, Augusta is the 6 yearish RP that Alexu and I have had going on-- and as you can imagine in that period of time, muses have gone through AMAZING changes. Reno lost an eye. ;; Poor dear. Anyway! Here goes! owo!
---. Z A K K U S U.
1. The most sensitive part of his body is his nose. Due to how many times he has broken it/had it broken. Sefirosu has broken it twice, and he's really good at getting doors/two by fours/countless other blunt objects/stairs/and even coffee mugs shoved at him fast enough to break it. I think he may have even fucked it up in an elevator once. Hmn.
2. His favorite food is peaches. Anyone who does not know this does not know my Zakkusu muse. Peaches. Period. That's it. They're love~ although pineapple can be an occasional snack aswell.
3. He loves it when it rains. He just really doesn't like storms during the night. Not being able to see what's going on around him makes him highly nervous.
4. A lot of his smiles are fake. They just are. It's a habit, really. Trying to get other people to smile helps him in the long run, I think. Something along those lines.
5. His favorite thing to wear just so happens to be heavy boots. Loud Footsteps Of Intimidation: +4. I dunno. Zakkusu really IS a boot person. Boots are sexy. So there.
6. He loves fights that end in some type of love making. Am I kidding with you about this? No. He loves to fight. REALLY. Deep down, small nothing fights such as 'WHY aren't the DVDs in ALPHABETICAL ORDER?' drive him wild. He LOVES nothing fights. The good ones. Not the ones that actually hurt. The ones that you start just because you're bored and you want to fight for a few days over nothing.
7. Fears being forgotten or replaced more than anything. Because that just sucks.
8. Has a severe disliking for shotguns. Maybe it's the whee bit of animal in him. The sound gives him the heeby jeebies. Like when a fire siren goes off, it leaves you feeling empty and scared, you know? D:
9. Has a slight fear of sharks-- or anything with huge teeth and nothing else to hold onto prey with. Shark Week. Discovery channel. Not good.
10. Surprisingly enough with the above fact, his favorite weapon is his teeth.
11. Would rather heal naturally than use materia. Because it's more honorable, it makes you stronger, and it's a lovely excuse to get cuddles.
12. Has begun to do an awful lot of lying lately. Because they can lead to nothing fights, and a part of him actually does love fucking with people's heads.
***
nifty augusta facts:
- he wasn't even in the city for more than two months before he was hit by a bus. ended up being stitched back together by hojo, however lost his memory due to the head inury. now he suffers from mood swings due to his past and present personalities: zack and zax.
- has stepped into a bear trap not once, but three times.
---. R E N O
1. His most sensitive part of his body are his hips. They're actually really ticklish most of the time. Other times they're JUST the right spot.
2. The Matrix movies creeped the Hell out of him. I'm. Not. Even. Shitting you about this one. I'm not. The idea of the matrix freaks him out to the point if you turn to him and ask him if he 'wants the red pill or the blue pill' he'll laugh nevously, call you ohsofunny~ and then constantly look over his shoulder for the next few days. Very paranoid about it...I wish I knew why. He's waiting for Rude to pull some... freaky...matrixish thing.
3. He has a very secret passion for the piano. Seriously. But him in front of one and you'll lose him. He knows how to play, which is really ironic in many ways, and he loves doing so. Does he tell people that? No. Never. Will he ever? Probably not. It's his own little thing.
4. "The best things in life aren't things." Touching. And yet so true. He has a lot of lame quotes like this. Most of them I ignore.
5. Prefers light and tight shoes. Converse, please, kay thanks. Oh. And he has a thing for jeans. Dark ones. Blue rarely works with him.
6. Favorite sound: a shotgun cocking. Doesn't matter who's holding it, friend of foe. The sound turns him on.
7. Sound he hates: when someone is choking on some type of liquid. Mainly blood.
8. Really dislikes anyone with a lot of money. Because snobby rich people take everything for granted.
***
nifty augusta facts:
- missing his left eye
- practices trying to become ambidextrous
- cannot spell 'ambidextrous'
- couldn't write until he worked for shinra for sixth months
- "that's not scary"
"what would you even know--"
"have you ever eaten human flesh before?"
". . ."
"*grin* trust me. you know nothing about scary."
-- reno n` rufus
Blaaaahdy blah.
Tomorrow I might make a list similar to:
Favorite Color:
Favorite Food:
Theme Song(s):
Favorite Phrase:
And the like. Then we can all pick a muse or two and answer them.
Because this is fun. :'3
I'll write more.
I need to crash. <3
PS: Thank you for getting me into MSI again. |
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| ---.x Fucking Blah. |
[Sep. 6th, 2007|06:37 am] |
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[. Call An .OP.T.I.M.I..S.T.]
--He's Turning [Blue]
Such A >LOVELY< Color
For You.
And. So. Yeah.
I tried to get up early enough to see Angeal. Of course I missed him. It SAYS that Juice is online-- but I think it's a fucking LIAR.
I'm exhausted.
And today I have an upset stomach.
It's so foggy outside I'm sure I'm going to get hit by a truck.
-Sighs.-
Zakkusu muse is in no mood to go to work. At all. Hopefully something good will happen today. I really want to be in a better mood for day two. But... augh.
Also.
I'm sick of my important posts going to waste.
Maybe I just won't type them anymore. Or put them under a cut to save you the time.
-Grumpy noise.-
Today is going to suck. |
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| ---.x Reset. Start New Game? |
[Sep. 5th, 2007|04:16 pm] |
| [ | ♦.Pågз¿ |
| | Please Insert Disc 2. | ] |
| [ | ♥.Fззlîng¿ |
| | Exhausted/Teary. | ] |
| [ | ♪.Łîstзnîng Ŧø¿ |
| | [+ Hellogoodbye - All Of Your Love +] | ] |
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Or Has Your Life
---+_S H U T D O W N ?¯
....
One of the really interesting features that comes with my Zakkusu muse is his 'ReSeT' button. This button has saved both him and I from going insane on more than one occasion, and it's starting to feel to feel like he wants to press it again. It's not a BAD feeling. It's a good one. Because everything becomes okay. Everything.
I guess it's more like... a personality switch. Or like.. when you are playing Legend Of Zelda : Orcarina of Time and you use a key in the wrong place in the water temple.
"You've screwed up, and can't continue this way."
"Start a new file, and hope you don't fuck it up again."
"Good luck."
The past few days have been happiness and guilt. Squished into one.
I dunno.
Claiming ownership... over people... over muses. It's just. Crazy. Fucking. Crazy.
Juice's Sefirosu has always, always had claim over my Zakkusu.
And because of this commitment, he's like...
Like he feels guilty if he SMILES at someone lovingly. Let alone touch or hug or godforbid kiss. It's just how he IS. And.. something about that really changed.
The... little Angeal x Zakku RP thing. Where... they just bullshitted and fell asleep next to each other. And then the alarm went off and there was pocket searching and bodyflipping and I'MMA STRANGLE Y-- oh. It's you. :'3 Type. Thing.
And the little kissu.
I dunno.
It felt... really special to him because he's unfortunately a loving person and Sef is so fucking HARD to get to SMILE let alone...anything else. So having someone for just a moment that was willing to hold him and have a (somewhat) normal conversation with him...
He's become stupidly needy.
He REALLY wants to become close friends with Fluffy's Cloud.
He wants an Aerith to laugh around. (Not even kidding.)
He wants to make people happy... be there for people and whatnot. Not have a chain around his neck because he's afraid of making someone angry.
No more boundaries.
Fuck this square lawn. There's a WORLD out there, damn it.
We had that RP together-- and then Juice came back. And the MOMENT he signed on and the MOMENT I knew that he had enough time to read the statuses I knew that I was royally screwed.
So. How did I handle it?
The only way that Zack knows how.
As if it was totally fine. As if he hadn't done a THING wrong and people were crazy for thinking so. As if he had no idea.
Because he knew that he had fucked up. The way Sef acted it was as if they were married and he's just caught him in an affair--- I'm not KIDDING. That's how he felt.
Like the shittiest little slut on earth. For a day and a kiss.
And so... when I get back from being gone and find that there was SEX.
Of course something in my mind was going to go:
"...wait. What?"
Juice. It really felt like you were getting back at me at that moment. It honestly did. I swear. Because I don't CLAIM people like you do-- so your Reno being with his Rod wasn't something I had a right to even bat an eye at. It was a hand shoved violently in my face as if you were saying 'I can play this game too.' As if you were trying to make me so jealous that I would force attention upon you-- and I have to admit that I snapped. Mmm'yes. I snapped right off my safe pole. (WTF?) Never before have you mentioned a Reno muse-- so of course I also assumed that you whipped him up over night JUST to do that.
It's what I'm going to do. I assume. Zack assumes. Jumps to conclusions about people and what they are doing behind his back to teach him a lesson.
I'm tired of our friends getting in the middle of our fights. I really, REALLY am. I fucking heart Shachou for BEING Shachou. We stopped talking because of the last go around we had... and I don't want that to happen again.
I don't want to be mad at either of you.
I'm not right now.
I'm emotionally fried, I think.
I honestly had a moment where I couldn't TYPE. Saw red, started crying. Paused. Went downstairs and quietly ate.. and came back upstairs. And I asked Alex if I could have a hug and then Zakkumuse started crying on him like a teenage drama queen who just got turned down at prom.
Kim. It was kind of a " I DID MY BEST ! " Kind of deal. Only the real thing. ;;
And you know what?
That was enough.
2 minutes of breakdown, and I am oddly fine.
Button pressed. Life moves on and we try this again.
Things will work out one way or another.
I just don't want some war to become of this.
I don't want to loose Shachou.
I'm not good at choosing. I'll choose to remove myself from the equation first.
And... I'm really SORRY that I turn into a fucking... scaredy nevous cat when it comes to like... RPing sex. I'm SORRY. I just CAN'T. I can type penis and shaft and member all I want right now and giggle at the screen-- but when it's in an actual situation I'd rather take that flash drive right there and shove it in my eye. I'm being HONEST. I'm SHY. So I'm SORRY if...I don't like... -Sexsexsex.- People all the time. I can't even write smutty fics. ;3;
--
Anyway. About my first day.
It was awesomely awesome.
I'm taking a college course and I have a good 2+ years before I even get out of highschool-- so it's pretty...um... awesome stressing. xD!
It's JCC English. Because I am an English nut. :B
Um. So. Yeah. I have this thing to read and blah, blah something about God and such. Zakkusu muse is like... paperwork! YAY! 8D!
And the newbies to the big school. The 7th graders? Guess what Zakkusu proudly calls them?
Cadets.
The 7th grade hallway is the WORST. The buzz around like fucking BEES. No orginization, they all carry too many fucking books and binders, don't know what way to go in the hallway-- it's always so AWFUL.
But I have Computer Animation so I needed to cut through there to get to class on time-- so. I took the chance. Ended up comming to a standstill. And ended up screaming: "ALRIGHT, you little CADETS. Let's get MOVING!"
...and of course I loom over them all and I have fucking purple hair. Sooo....
I guess I was scurry. :'3!
Zakku muse had a lot of fun today.
Tomorrow I'll explain my whole schedule to you guys! And show you notes that I doodled on. Ha. <3
I'm sorry about...everything.
I'm exhausted and all of today was stressing.
Zakku needs a nap.
.....
......after he works on paperwork for about an hour. ee;
<3s for:
Angeal Keiki.
Sefirosu.
Fluffy.
And Toasty. THANK YOU for your IM this morning. Really. <333
And people I may have missed because I cried like a little girl and gave myself a fucking migrane.
Loves.
______ → CONTINUE / NEW GAME
( no memory card found in slot A )
---_+
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| ---.x But There Is ALWAYS So Much DISTANCE. |
[Sep. 4th, 2007|05:39 pm] |
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>.The Kind Of Real That Makes You STOP.<
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``A R E | Y O U | T H E R E?``
``This thing keeps cutting out.``
``I feel like FRƎAKIИG OUT.``
``But we keep reaching out.``
I feel. So good right now. I think if I tried... I could fly. o_o!
The past few days have been amazing-- thank you to those who have stayed up with me during the last few days of my Summer Vacation. It really means a lot to me to have something to screw off with until the sun comes up. I heart you all for it.
Well. Tomorrow I am going to try to wake up early...hopefully around 5:30ish or so. I need to shower, gather up some clothes to put on and spike my hair to the best of my ability. I'm also hoping that won't take TOO LONG so that I can hop on and see some of you before I walk away from six hours of HELL.
It's gonna be so shitty. SHITTY not being here all day and all night.
I'm going to miss out on a lot of fun, I'm sure. But a see a lot of you after 2:30 anyway, so it's fine.
I'm kinda scared, I'll admit it. There are a LOT of people that I don't want in my classes. Dalton, for example. If he ends up in ANY of my classes-- even LUNCH I'm going to stab a fucking INFANT.
With a HARPOON. In the EYE. That's IT.
But. I have music. And thoughts of you.
In fact-- if you guys want to throw shit at me for my Mp3 player that would be awesome. I can usually get through a song or two on the way to school-- more depending how how much I'm dragging my feet....
Which. By the way. A lot of you will be happy to hear has STOPPED happening.
Zakkusu muse has... changed, kinda. I don't know what it is... but it's good. I know it's good because -I- have felt good. Like. On CLOUDS good-- and that is how I want to start the new year.
It's almost to the point where I want to delete ALL of my sns. Like. EVEY ONE that isn't Zakkusu. It sounds crazy, yes... but I never have a much FUN when RPing anybody else. Like I don't get to be -ME-.
-Shrugs.-
I doubt it'll happen-- with all the worthless work I put into them.
-Bubbles.-
I'll probably post again before I go to school--- and I'll let you all know what happened on the first day. Blah, blah. <3
We need to stay in touch. Seriously.
I'm gonna try all I can-- but for now.
I'm going to enjoy this happiness that I have found. |
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HOPEFULL.
GIDDY~!
Bounceh.
Bleh.